May 7, 2016
The Honorable Megan J. Brennan
Postmaster General of the United States
475 L’Enfant Plaza
Washington, D.C. 20260
Dear Postmaster General Brennan:
I would like to alert your office to a potential violation of Title 18 U.S. Code Section 1341, which, as you know, is more colloquially known as Mail Fraud. The possible offenders are a number of professional athletes, engaged in playing Major League Baseball for the Atlanta National League Baseball Club, and their management and front office, who are ‘mailing in’ this season. As a long time supporter of the ANLBBC, I am deeply grieved that this collection of “athletes” is being foisted off on the good people of the South, and that at least 23,514 paying customers were deceived into thinking that they would witness a competitive game between two teams. Instead, the Braves faced a reeling Arizona Diamondbacks club that hadn’t won a game in a week, and meekly rolled over in a 7-2 loss.
THe “Braves”, as they are known, have now played 14 games at home, Megan – may I call you Megan? – and have gone down to defeat in 13 of them. That is a winning percentage of .071. Even the absolute worst teams win a quarter of their games, and the home record is usually better. The Braves have hit six home runs all season, as a team, while giving up 33. There are 40 PLAYERS in the majors who have six or more home runs. The pitching – oh the pitching – is as awful as the hitting. There are no pitchers who have won more than one – 1! – game. This team is so bad I am forced – forced! – to use dashes to indicate the horrendousness that the Braves are exhibiting. I can only attribute this record of futility to fraud.
And lest you think the players are the only guilty ones, you should scrutinize the “Front Office” as well. They have continually traded away to their competitors the best players on the team. While they claim to be “rebuilding,” the star “acquisition” of the Dodgers trade last year has recently been arrested for a deplorable off-field incident, and he can’t play anyway! And then, they traded away only the best defensive shortstop in a generation, for a pitcher who has a hard time throwing strikes and a shortstop who isn’t hitting his weight. But, to be fair, the latest trade with the Arizona Diamondbacks does appear to be working out well in the team’s favor, but I will point out that Arizona’s GM is Dave Stewart, so I doubt they can use THAT as a defense.
Anyway Megan, please send the postal inspectors down to investigate before things spiral further out of control.