[Sometimes, one perceives a lack of sufficient understanding to properly explain a situation. So, today, I have called on Dr. Michael M. Baden, noted medical examiner, to review the corpse of the 2014 Braves and explain the causes of this death, and the relative importance of each cause. I now turn you over to Dr. Baden, (but with parenthetical remarks by me, because, in my experience, sometimes Dr. Baden gives complicated explanations).]
The patient shows signs of infectious disease. There are visible lesions and sores. The scar of one significant lesion appears to be partly recovered (Uggla). Another is so pronounced that I wonder if the patient ignored it because of neuropathy (BJ Upton) because certainly the pain caused by such a lesion should have led to better treatment. The white blood cell count is elevated, but in a manner which suggests a strong immune system (pitching and defense).
The infectious disease is one which restricts the ability of the patient to move (lack of offense). That disease has spread throughout the body with at least some evidence of it in almost every tissue (player). Ordinarily, we would not have expected (preseason ZIPS and other projections) this disease to become so pervasive. Therefore, I am concerned about the role of the attending physicians (Wren, Fredi, Walker) as this patient’s condition deteriorated. Clearly, some of the treatment plan for this patient was inappropriate and contributed to the patient’s demise.
One potential issue in this case is that there are several life insurance beneficiaries. Therefore, my examination must take into account the extent to which any of my findings could have been influenced by the actions of any of these parties. The Washington Nationals had the largest expected payout from the patient’s death. The Pittsburgh Pirates and the Milwaukee Brewers had a lesser valued policy, contingent on their survival as to each other. Until the patient seemed very close to death, the actions of the Nationals contributed TOWARD the patient’s health. However, I will note troubling findings relating to the Nationals further in my report. Likewise, the Brewers contributed to the patient’s health particularly in his adolescence when many thought the patient would be robust and healthy throughout his life. The Pirates didn’t positively contribute, but they alone could not have caused these problems.
This corpse shows recent evidence of necrophilia. The DNA indicates that this intimate violation was caused by the primary life insurance beneficiary, the Nationals. Though it makes no sense other than as a possible delayed nervous system response, there is very minor evidence of a struggle against the aggressor.
The T cell we identify as Ervin Santana valiantly fought the disease, with quality in the start to his immune reaction (a “quality start”). The need for movement in this patient was great, but the only reflex seemingly able to create movement, known as the Freddie Freeman reflex, was restrained by bindings (ejected by umpire) and therefore unable to be involved in the outcome. In baseball terms, we would say that the Nationals got 4 before the Braves finally got 2 in the top of the 9th inning.
As my last finding, I remind one and all of the need to promptly dispose of these remains, because the stench will become more and more unbearable.