Business Suits, Facial Hair, and the Mississippi Hawaiian (Braves 8, Twins 3)

I thought about attempting to edit this, but no — here’s the latest installment from the James Joyce of Braves blogger wives:

Hi all. Stu’s wife Kate back for more. I’m so exhausted from JD’s ridiculous work project that is supposed to end soon, so I am here again to give you a not-so-accurate or excellent recap. Thanks to Charlie, you haven’t had to have one of these since April. But I am back, discussing mostly facial hair and why people are at this game in the middle of the day when they should be at work.

So Maholm is the pitcher. “Maholm” is not spelled like it sounds: MaHALUM? Is our pitcher not Hawaiian? He looks blonde and they did confirm he was from Hattiesburg, but gosh that name sounds like gratitude in Maui.

Also,  who goes to the games in the middle of the day? Chip called them a “business meeting game” but I can imagine many more things I’d rather do than going to a hot baseball game in my suit. Maybe on the club level with a yummy ice-cold beer (it’s tough being pregnant during the summer when you crave but can’t enjoy beer!), but I can’t imagine many deals are made in the Atlanta heat.

1st Inning

Edsnoredo for the first batter. Florimon? What an interesting name, but a boring at bat for Pedro. The Twins are yawning in the dugout. It is10 am Minnesota time, so I would be yawning too… tough life playing professional ball, isn’t it, Hicks? Elsewhere, there’s a guy sweating in his three-piece-suit in the nosebleed section. Hmm, Maholm walks Willingham. The Mississippi Hawaiian wracks up 18 pitches in the first ½ inning. I actually don’t know if that’s good or bad? Commercial break with the announcement that RUN DMC IS COMING TO TURNER FIELD ON JUNE 1st? Now that’s how you get your reluctant wife to a game.

BRAVES UP

Vance Worley is the pitcher for the Twins. I think Vance sounds like an AC repairman’s name rather than a pitcher. We’ll see if he should keep his current job here in a minute. BTW, guys, thanks for not pointing out that I misspelled Schafer the whole recap last time. I’ll work on that today. He walked to first anyway, so way to go S-C-H-A-F-E-R. Wait, who is Ramiro Pena? I’m so lost. Can you tell JD has been working so much that I don’t have to hear the game via his cell phone broadcast during important parts of our evenings together (dinner as a family, Maggie’s bathtime, etc.)? Pena makes a hit that drops behind second into center field. “Heyward has a healthy cut,” says Chip. WHAT? I almost burn the muffins in the oven rolling my eyes too much over that comment. Heyward hits a line drive to third bringing SCHAFER home. They just showed an interesting stat on my AC repairman, Vance: “17 runs allowed in 1st Inning (10 Starts).” I bet that pitching coach gets so nervous during Vance’s starts. Freddie: fly ball into left, but Pena runs home and gets thrown out at the plate. Gattis up… digging on this serious beard, even for a hot “business meeting game.” Alas, he strikes out.

2nd Inning

Ok so I’m looking at all these people in the stands and I see NO business suits. I’m somewhat disappointed. And whoa Ryan Doumit has an awesome handlebar moustache. Not many dudes can pull that off. I think, generally, professional baseball players automatically could (well maybe not SCHAFER or generally lanky players), but can you imagine Julio Franco with that kind of facial hair? That would be glorious. Handlebar Moustache gets out at first. Colabello’s first big league at bat gets a quick out with a pop up. Apparently Colabello’s dad played for the Italian Olympic team? Love it! That’s something JD would have told me if he were here. So, I’m going to share it with you, despite Chip telling me instead of my lovely husband. Hicks has finished yawning and makes a solid hit to Pena who can’t get him out at first. Dozier gets the final out.

BRAVES UP

Chris Johnson hits a pop-up to right field. I just notice that Vance has some chin-hair-only happening. What’s up with the facial hair this game? Not a fan of the ONLY chin-hair thing, personally. Struggla hits a “bullet” out to left (thanks, Chip). BJ hits a hi-fly to left field, no advancement by Struggla. The Mississippi Hawaiian is up… he has a better batting average than Struggla! But yuck he hits a quick out to first. Everyone is done.

3rd Inning

The AC repairman hits a ground ball to short. Escobar and Florimon do the same thing. I feel like saying “mahalo” to the Mississippi Hawaiian.

BRAVES UP

SCHAFER strikes out. Maybe he’s just upset he’s not in the facial hair club. Pena has a fascinating triangle of facial hair below his lip…. A soul patch that just keeps spreading into the chin. Wow I was going to make fun of it, but maybe that’s what helps you hit home runs beyond right field, which Pena just did. Nice work, Triangle Chin! Heyward gets hit by a pitch and heads to first. Um, does Vance have a Mohawk? I’m very interested. Gattis is up after Freddie strikes out. Gattis gets hit in the elbow, and he’s now at first with Heyward at second. Joe Simpson just talked about Gattis’ “meaty forearm.” EVERYBODY has a crush on the white bear. Chris Johnson hits a nice ball out to center/left field, bringing Heyward home. Ugh, Struggla stops the mo and gets a quick out with a pop-up.

4th Inning

Willingham gets a quick out at first. No facial hair for Willingham. Justin Morneau has a 13-year-old’s handlebar moustache. He’s just trying to fit in! Bless his heart, and he gets an out with a lame pop-up that Struggla catches. Mr. Handlebar himself/Doumit also hits the ball to left center for an easy out.

BRAVES UP

I notice now that BJ has this little moustache happening. I think it works for him, though. I’m not usually a thin moustache kind of girl. Again with the reoccurring facial hair correlation with success, BJ hits a homer beyond left field. Bummer for the Mississippi Hawaiian who hits a ball almost to the warning track. That would have been nice. Then SCHAFER pulls off a “textbook” bunt but later gets out when Pena’s quick hit gets him to first. Pena advances when Heyward hits a single. Heyward is having a solid game. Probably because of his very adult beard. Freddie walks to first and the bases are loaded with two out. El Oso is up to bat where he lays off three bad pitches. He was itching to hit though because the next pitch resulted in a glorious grand slam, the first ever for the White Bear. I can imagine all the businessmen ripping off their ties in excitement. Chris Johnson then hits a nice double along the first-base line. That signals the last batter for the AC repairman Vance, and in comes Roenicke to a game where the score is now Twins 0, Braves EIGHT. Pop up for Struggla to end the inning.

5th Inning

Adorable Italian Colabello, who actually played in the 2013 Italy World Series game, hits a sharp ball to the short stop, but he’s totally excited he’s there, playing despite having no sleep being called up the night before and then getting stalled in Rochester before arriving on a red-eye. The Mississippi Hawaiian has only thrown 60 pitches after getting the second batter out. Dozier is sporting some 5:00 shadow at1pm on a business meeting game. I’d fire him, but then again, he gets a double. Roenicke gets the last out.

BRAVES UP

BJ and the Mississippi Hawaiian get two quick outs.  Holy cow they just show the Zaxby’s Inexplicitaly good play, and there’s a guy in a collared button-down who used his hat to catch a ball that made it to the stands. That’s what I’m talking about! His blazer was nowhere to be found, but I bet his boss will give it back to him with his pink slip because he was caught at a Braves game rather than at work. SCHAFER walks to first and then advances to second after a wild pitch. Triangle Chinhair Pena gets the last out with a boring infield hit.

6th Inning

Escobar hits right to Chris Johnson who makes an error by dropping it when he clearly could have caught it. I’m never totally sure when there is an error, but I’m glad the new yellow “Error” box shows up now. Florimon is safe at first after a very close call on what should have been a double-play. Willingham hits a popup to Heyward in right center. Morneau hits a nice hit out to center field and brings Escobar in. Thanks a lot, CJ, for your big fat error. Score is Twins 1, Braves 8, after the sweet Italian gets out at the plate.

BRAVES UP

Ryan Pressly is pitching for the Twins now. Heyward pops up to near short. Overall though, I think he’s had a pretty solid game. Freddie, on the other hands, needs to do something. He gets all the way to a full count, and then has a pop-up to the left side. Gattis also has a long at-bat to only get an out at first. Bears can’t run.

7th Inning

Aaron Hicks has a lazy-man’s beard with a lot of facial hair under his chin/neck but not much else. I bet he doesn’t snuggle easily with that situation. He singles and makes it to first. Oh man, Escobar’s bat flies into the stands and hits a very pretty girl who would not wear to work what she’s wearing to the game. She seems ok though. Quick outs and the inning is done.

BRAVES UP

Caleb Thielbar is the pitcher this inning with Chris Johnson up first. Thielbar has no facial hair and walks both Johnson and Struggla. BJ pops it up in foul territory for an out. Then the Mississippi Hawaiian strikes out. SCHAFER hits a double-play ending the inning.

8th Inning

The Mississippi Hawaiian is STILL pitching! Very nice for someone with very little facial hair and who has thrown over 100 pitches. Florimon hits a line drive to short and gets out at first. Willingham hooks a base hit into left field. Willingham is actually trying to do some good things for the Twins but no one else is great. He is like the Lebron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Morneau does hit a nice bouncer to center field, and that’s the last of the Mississippi Hawaiian. Such a good game with a total of 112 pitches. Rasmus comes in to pitch to Doumit who pops up to Upton. I really want Colabello to do something awesome here for his first game in the big leagues, but he strikes out.

BRAVES UP

Thielbar is still working it for the Twins. Pena, quick out. The Braves in the dugout are as restless as I am, walking around and getting comfy. Heyward too gets a quick out at first. Freddie also gets a quick out at first to close out their batting for the day, unless Rasmus totally blows it.

9th Inning

Rasmus actually shows a small sign of weakness when Hicks hits a home run near the right field foul pole. I start worrying that I’m never going to go to bed. But then Dozier is struck out. Oswaldo Arcia is pinch-hitting, and that is an amazing name. AND THEN HE HITS A SOLO HOMER. What the heck? Come on, people. I need some sleep. Oh man, then Escobar hits this scary looking hit waaaay out to BJ Upton who struggles to catch it. I’m starting to regret helping JD with this recap. Twins 3, Braves 8, two outs. Florimon then walks!!! Sigh. Willingham keeps the game alive with a 3-2 count but eventually strikes out.

Twins 3, Braves 8, sweep

Author: Stu

Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I've been married since July 17, 2004 to my beautiful wife, who also doubles as my best friend. We have an almost-three-years-old Boston Terrier named Lucy who's also pretty awesome. My wife and I both graduated from Vanderbilt University in May of 2004. I graduated from Law School at the University of Georgia in May of 2007 and am now practicing in Nashville, Tennessee. I really, really love the Atlanta Braves.

36 thoughts on “Business Suits, Facial Hair, and the Mississippi Hawaiian (Braves 8, Twins 3)”

  1. Awesome. This is what it must feel like to stumble upon some great piece of outsider art, or how game recaps would have read in the 1870s, before everyone settled on the same terminology.

    I don’t know funny “everyone is done” was supposed to be, but I laughed so hard I scared the cat. Everyone is done!

  2. @sansho

    Outsider art. Yes! That’s exactly why these wife recaps are beautiful.

  3. 4- The only NL game today is Cubs-Pirates, so the answer to your question is no unless you’re also an AL fan.

  4. There’s a new podcast up. Can’t quite get the link to work on the iPhone.

  5. This recap is indeed a work of art. I wish we could have the pleasure of reading Mrs. Stu’s recaps more often.

  6. Excellent job.
    Signed, Guy (In a Business Suit!) Who Thinks Facial Hair Is Not Sufficiently Appreciated

  7. I move that the Mississippi Hawaiian become Maholm’s official Braves Journal nickname.

  8. @13

    Seconded. And move the measure carry by acclimation – whatever that means. Aloha.

  9. @11 I dare not sully the memory of Mac with whatever crappy recap I’d scribble up.

    @13Add it to the glossary!

    @9 Looking forward to the podcast, Sam!

  10. Podcast link.

    [audio src="https://alanhoneycutt.com/podcasts/Circle%20Change%20-%20EP%203.m4a" /]

  11. “He was itching to hit though because the next pitch resulted in a glorious grand slam, the first ever for the White Bear. I can imagine all the businessmen ripping off their ties in excitement.”

    My favorite line. Thanks, Kate!

  12. @17 You know baseball. Could you do a recap in pictures for those of us with reading deficiencies?

  13. @RealCJ10: Tried to tell y’all about Gattis in spring training. Y’all wouldn’t listen. “aww it’s just spring training” u said! Now he’s a folk hero.

  14. The only people that wouldn’t listen to @RealCJ10 are over at CAC, where I guess they are still waiting on him to win ROY before writing something even remotely positive about Gattis.

  15. Great write-up, Kate!

    @25 & @26 You guys took the words right out of my fingers.

  16. I’ve said it before – the Gattis story represents everything good about baseball, and is the single greatest thing to happen in the game since my childhood.

    //and the recap was awesome. Great job again.

  17. My feelings about Gattis are well known and always have been.

    The question is if he’s got the ever important Umpire Rapport state built up.

  18. OWAR of bench
    Gattis 1.2
    C Johnson 1.0
    Success 0.8
    Pena 0.3
    Laird 0.2
    R Johnson 0.1
    TOTAL 3.6

    JUpton 2.1

    Roadrunner has more time at third, but he may no longer be starter has 0.3 OWAR. That would drop bench OWAR to 2.7.

  19. Has it been discussed on here? The story of Gattis’ last trip to NYC?

    I heard it on the Fan yesterday.

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