ANNOUNCER: From Kansas City, it’s the Jeff Francoeur show, starring Jeff Francoeur! I’m your announcer, Melky Cabrera, and tonight, Jeff’s guests are: Miley Cyrus! Verne Troyer! And The Baseball Project! And now, stand and cheer, here’s Jeffy!
[AUDIENCE GIVES FIVE MINUTE STANDING OVATION]
Jeff Francoeur: Thanks, thanks everybody. I know I deserve it, but it’s nice to be appreciated. Welcome to the show, we have a good one tonight. So, Melky, did you have a good weekend?
MC: I did, sir.
JF: That’s good. Went to Arthur Bryant’s again, did you?
MC: Uh… yeah.
JF: And they had to drag you at closing again, right? [MELKY LAUGHS] I don’t want to say Melky eats a lot, but when they say he’s a threat from both sides of the plate, that means he eats with a fork and a spoon at the same time. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS UPRORIOUSLY] You may not know this, but Melky’s contract has a weight clause. Or it did, until Melky spilled barbecue sauce on it. [LAUGHTER] Speaking of contracts, you heard about this Cliff Lee thing?
MC: I may have heard something about it.
JF: Yeah, Lee turned down more money from the Rangers and the Yankees because he loves Philadelphia. You may say that now, Cliff, but wait until the rash forms. [LAUGHTER] Hey, Rangers, you’re spreading all this money around and Lee doesn’t want it, why didn’t you call me? I’m working on a one-year contract here! But I love it here in Kansas City. Of course, it’s a pretty small market, so it’s not exactly what I’m used to. With the Mets, I tipped the clubhouse guy $50,000. Here in KC, the standard tip is “Don’t go in the bathroom after Melky.” [LAUGHTER] We’ve got a great show tonight, folks, Miley Cyrus is here! Give it up for Jack McDowell and the I Take Music And Everything Else Very Seriously Band!
[JACK MCDOWELL PLAYS GUITAR FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. FINALLY THE DIRECTOR CUTS HIS FEED.]
JF [SEATED AT DESK]: Thanks, Jack. As the audience may or may not know, I am a Gold Glove winning outfielder. But Melky’s the real glove man, he’s a centerfielder. Tell us about fielding, Melky.
MC: Well, you need to be an athlete, of course, but really, it’s a matter of instincts.
JF: Really? Well, let’s take a look at Melky doing some fielding last year in Atlanta.
JF: Doesn’t look like your instincts were working too well there! [LAUGHTER] Stick around folks, we’ll be back in a bit with Miley Cyrus.